


Sayori's Song

by tinybox



Series: unreality_strikes_back.exe [18]
Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Childhood Friends, Deja Vu, False Memories, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:33:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22918516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinybox/pseuds/tinybox
Summary: Even the closest of friends keep important secrets from one another.
Series: unreality_strikes_back.exe [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619047
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

***Load**

I haven't heard a thing from Sayori since she left club early the other day. Sure, it's not like we text all the time or anything...but I've been worrying about her a lot this past week. 

Between what Sayori said, and then what Monika said...I just can't put aside Sayori's feelings when she might need me. 

...That's it, I have to go see her and make sure she's okay. 

I decide to visit Sayori before Natsuki comes over.

Rather than asking, I simply text her that I'm coming over, much like we've done in the past. Sure that might seem a bit rude, but honestly, before we got cell phones, we would just show up at each other's houses without any sort of warning, so technically I'm being a little more polite.

Once I reach Sayori's house, I knock on the door once. There's no response, so I find the spare key that Sayori's parents keep under a flowerpot and let myself inside. 

Again, we used to play so often that we've made it a habit of simply entering each other's houses like we were family.

The house is eerily silent.

"Sayori?"

No response.

"Hey, Sayori! I just broke into your house to steal all your cookies!"

_She must have not heard me...I guess that means she's probably in her room._

I head upstairs, and find her sitting on the carpet in the middle of the room.

"Sayori?"

"Hi Kaito," Sayori says quietly.

I plop myself down on the carpet next to her. "Didn't you hear me come in? I even said I was going to burglarize all the cookies."

Sayori forces a smile, but it's easy to tell that she's different.

"I guess I was distracted," she admits. "I've just been...thinking a lot, lately. About...stuff."

There's a minute of silence between us.

"You haven't come over like this in a long time, have you?" Sayori asks. 

"Ah...I guess you're right. It _has_ been a long time. Not much has really changed, has it?"

Sayori's room is as comfortably messy as its always been, with the familiar stuffed animals and wall decorations that she's had for years now.

"Ehehe..." Sayori quietly giggles. "If you came over more, it wouldn't be such a mess."

Reaching out, I straighten Sayori's bow for her. "That's because I usually end up cleaning it for you...not that I mind, of course."

"How come you suddenly wanted to come over?" Sayori asks. "Isn't Natsuki supposed to hang out at your house today?"

"Yeah, but-"

I pause, a thought occurring to me. Sayori had already left by the time we decided that last meeting, so...

"Wait, how did you know that?"

"Monika told me," Sayori explains. "It's only natural for her to keep me informed about the festival preparations, right?"

"Ah, that's true..." I agree. "But what about you? Aren't you going to be helping Monika today?"

"Of course! But I'm just helping her online," Sayori says, gesturing to her computer. "We didn't plan to meet up or anything."

"I guess that means me and Natsuki are the only ones meeting..."

"Yep."

There's more silence between us as Sayori stares off in a random direction. 

I nibble my lower lip with my top teeth, a nervous tic I usually only do when I'm stressed. Everything about Sayori's behavior is really uncharacteristic. I have to get to the point, or this conversation will go nowhere.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing," I tell Sayori. "You know, after you left early on Friday. I know you said you weren't feeling well, but I think there's something more to it than that. When something's wrong, neither of us are good at hiding it from each other. So...what I'm trying to say is that I'm here to listen."

Sayori smiles, shaking her head. "That's no good, Kaito."

"Eh?"

"Why can't it just be like it's always been?" Sayori whimpers. "This is all my fault. If I didn't get so weak and accidentally express my feelings...if I didn't make that stupid mistake...then you wouldn't have been worried about me at all. You wouldn't have come here. You wouldn't have even be thinking about me right now. But this...is just my punishment, isn't it?"

Sayori lets out a deep sigh. "I'm getting punished for being so selfish. I think that's why the world decided to have you come over today. It just wants to torture me."

"Sayori...!" I gasp. "Sayori...are you even listening to yourself right now? Something must have happened to you. There's no other explanation for you to be like this. Please...just tell me! Until I know, I won't be able to stop thinking about it!"

"Ah...ahaha..." Sayori giggles hollowly, giving me an empty smile. "You really put me in a trap, Kaito. But...you're wrong. Nothing happened to me. I've always been like this. You're just seeing it for the first time."

"Seeing what? Sayori, what are you talking about?"

"Ehehe...you're really going to make me say it, aren't you, Kaito? I guess I have no choice this time. The thing is...I've had really bad depression my whole life. Did you know that? Why do you think I'm late to school every day? Because most reasons, I can't even find a reason to get out of bed. What reason is there to do anything when I fully know how worthless I am?"

I feel like I've been doused in ice-cold water.

Standing up, Sayori goes and sits on her recently made bed. "Why go to school? Why eat? Why make friends? Why make other people put their energy to waste by having them spend it on me? That's what it feels like. And that's why I want to make everyone happy...without anyone worrying about me."

I'm in shock. 

I can't even figure out how to respond.

 _How is it possible that Sayori kept this from me the entire time that I've known her?_

_Did she really want so badly for me to just not think about her?_

I get to my feet, walking over to sit on Sayori's bed next to her, leaving a couple inches of space between us so she doesn't get overwhelmed. 

"Sayori...I'm so sorry."

"Eh?"

"I should have noticed that you were in pain. But I was too self-absorbed to notice, and you never said...if I had known, I would have tried harder to make every day better for you. That's why I'm your friend! I'm so sorry if I behaved in a way that made you think you couldn't trust me."

Sayori shakes her head. "You don't understand it at all, Kaito. The reason I couldn't tell you was that I knew that if I did, you would have to waste effort caring about me instead of doing important things. I don't want to be cared about. It's bittersweet, when people try to care about me. It feels nice sometimes. But it also feels like a bat being swung against my head." 

She sniffles a little, scrubbing her hand over her face as if she's trying erase any evidence of her unhappiness. "That's why I wanted so badly for you to make friends with everyone else...helping everyone be happy is the best thing for me. But then, I discovered something else, too. Seeing you make friends and get closer with everyone in the club...it feels like a spear going through my heart. So, that's why. That's why I decided the world just wants to torture me. Every path leads to nothing but hurt."

I take Sayori's hand in my own, squeezing it gently. "You're right that I don't understand...but I want to. I'm here to listen to whatever you have to say. Whatever it takes...I'll always be here for you. And if there's anything I can do, I want to do it."

"There's nothing you can do," Sayori sadly says, letting go of my hand. "Nothing at all. The only thing that could have helped is if everything could be the same as it always is. But I was selfish. I finally showed you what a horrible person I am."

Tears streak down her face. "I made you join the Literature Club because I was selfish. And I was punished by my heart hurting in a way that I couldn't understand. And now you came here and I made you hurt, too. I'm just weak and selfish. That's all I am. And that's why I'm going to accept these punishments. Because I deserve every last one...!"

Without thinking, I pull Sayori into a hug.

"A-Ah-" she gasps against my shoulder. 

"Sayori...you're not selfish at all. A selfish person wouldn't care about other people's feelings. A selfish person wouldn't worry if they were acting selfish. I'm really happy that you convinced me to join the club. Seeing you everyday makes it worthwhile enough. If I make friends with everyone else, that's just a bonus. But please never underestimate how much I care about you."

Despite my arms being wrapped around her, Sayori's arms remain at her sides.

She starts sobbing into my ear. "No," she whimpers, "don't do this... to me..."

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, but I don't want to let her go, either.

"Please don't do this..." Sayori begs, barely able to speak through her sobs. "Kaito...I..."

"I'm here for you, Sayori. Just...tell me what you're thinking. Tell me what I can do to help, and I'll be there to punch your problems in the face. Metaphorically speaking, that is."

Gently, Sayori finally puts her arms around me in return.

"I... don't know," Sayori whimpers. "I don't know...I don't know. I don't know anything. It's all really scary...I don't understand any of my feelings, Kaito."

I let Sayori's head rest against my shoulder. 

"The only time I'm not feeling nothing is when I'm feeling pain," Sayori whispers into my shirt. "But...your hugs are so warm. And that's really scary, too."

"It's okay, it's okay," I repeat as Sayori cries into my shoulder. "Everything's going to be okay."

With one last sniffle, Sayori lets me go; as soon as she stops hugging me, I slowly pull my arms back as well.

Sayori's eyes are rimmed with red from crying, and it takes everything in me to not start sobbing as well.

"The festival's tomorrow," I remind Sayori.

She shakily nods. "Yeah..."

"How would you feel about spending it with me? It'll be fun, I promise. We'll play those rigged booth games and I'll try to win you some kind of cheap stuffed animal. Natsuki mentioned something about...fried squid? That sounds like a cool thing to try."

Sayori nods, wiping her eyes with her shirt sleeve. "I think that would be nice, then."

"Everything's going to be okay," I promise Sayori. "Listen, I'm going to text Natsuki and cancel my plans-"

"No, don't-!" Sayori interrupts. "Please don't...if you did that...then I would never forgive you."

"Do you want to come and help out with the baking? If we play our cards right, Natsuki might even let us have a cupcake."

To my surprise, Sayori shakes her head. "I'm sorry. I don't know if that would be a good for me today. You understand, right?"

"Ah...it's kind of hard for me to fully understand," I admit. "But I'm trying my hardest." 

"It's okay," Sayori says with a small smile, "just don't worry too much about it. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"...Alright."

Reaching out, I playfully flick Sayori's forehead.

"Ehehe..." Sayori giggles. "Kaito, you said you would stop doing that!"

"I never said that. Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

***Save**


	2. Cover Art




End file.
